I Could Only Imagine | #BehindTheBlogger

I Could Only Imagine… what it would be like to have my Grandma Sharon still alive.

SharonAshBday2000

I am trying to be more personal when it comes to my blog – but it is just so hard. So many things have happened in my life and the majority of them have not been good. My life has been rough, right from the start. I am just not one that likes to start all that stuff, as I have had some people make some cruel comments in the past. By joining the Behind the Blogger writing prompts, it is forcing me to open up and talk about different things in my life. The last Behind the Blogger post that I did was If I Could Turn Back Time and truly know my Great Grandma Lucy.

This writing prompt is “I Could Only Imagine”. Immediately I thought about what life would be like if my Grandma Sharon was still alive. I lost her in 2004. Since her death, I have lost plenty of other people in my life. However, losing my Grandma Sharon was the absolute worse. I was around 13 when she passed on. She had liver cancer and the cancer was just too much for her. Her doctors had tried chemo and radiation, but nothing worked. She died in May of 2004, shortly after my cousin Ryan’s and my birthday, her only Grandchildren at the time. See my father is a complete disaster and not something I want to talk about – but, due to that, it was difficult going to see her in her final few months. I would leave school early to and see her for a few hours and then we would have to drive an hour and a half back to our home. That continued until a few days before she died. I was getting frustrated and tired of going down to see her, as she was not always lucid and she was starting to look sick towards the end. The weekend before she passed away, I decided to go to my aunt and uncles house, as an escape. I remember my mother and grandfather trying to get me to call and talk to my Grandma Sharon before I left. I did not want to really talk to her, as she was not with it, did not understand things, and sometimes was not awake. I went to my aunt and uncle’s house and the next day she passed away. I did not find out until the next Monday, my grandfather kept it from us. I had just gotten out of school and typically talked to my friend on the phone for a while, but then we got the call. My world fell apart. Tears stream my face as I type this. I miss her so much. The funeral followed days later and it was the hardest thing for me to go to.

So…

I Could Only Imagine… what life would be like if she was still here.

For some reason, she was terrified of driving. I think at some point she had her permit, but never went on to get her license. In the thirteenish years that I knew her, I never saw her behind the wheel. So, I wonder if she would have ended up with her license and started driving if she was still alive.

I Could Only Imagine what my relationship with my Grandfather Cliff, her husband, would be like if she were still alive. Right now, we have no contact or relationship. I miss him. More importantly, I miss her. Everyday. I wake up thinking about her some days and I fall asleep thinking about her.

Life for me has not exactly gone as planned and so, I am not where I thought I would be at twenty-four years old. I am still at home and do not have a job, though contribute through what I do with blogging, surveys, and such. I wonder if I would have had a job and been out of the house if she were still alive.

I Could Only Imagine all the memories we would have together if she were still here.

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2 thoughts on “I Could Only Imagine | #BehindTheBlogger

  1. I too lost a grandparent at that young of an age. I lost my maternal grandfather who was more of a father to me then any other male in my life up until that point and since. I often wonder what it would have been like if he would have lived. Would I have finished high school instead of dropping out and throwing away my scholarship? Would I have become an accountant and lived on the east coast instead of a struggling single mother who suffers many health issues on the west coast? I feel your inner struggle. I think about my Grandpa often and imagine what I would do if I could just lay my eyes upon him just one more time. To sit down and drink a cup of coffee as I sat on his lap (back then, not now) just one more time. For me to actually have a chance to say goodbye to him as opposed to getting woken up in the middle of the night to let me know that my grandpa had just had a heart attack and I would never see him again. I’m sorry that you too have to experience that feeling.

  2. Such a well written and thoughtful post. Thanks so much for sharing. :)

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